We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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