those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
