She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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