Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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