I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
