Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
