Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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