I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
