so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This baby is an asshole
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
