Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
