my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize