I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
