Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
