im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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