I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
