Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
40s are totally the cure
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
