went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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