Please, let me fuck your mom
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
