um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
