Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
