Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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