Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize