I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
