Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
