you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
