Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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