my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
