Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
