youre lurking in front of me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
