I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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