Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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