there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
