2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
