Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize