Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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