dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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