The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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