you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
