he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
