What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sext me about skeletons
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize