She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it was like eating out sand paper
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
