I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
