the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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