Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
