I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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