God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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