So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
