My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize