Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
