my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
