Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
