I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize