i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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