I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We don't watch enough power rangers
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
