There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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