you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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