THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
